Assertiveness facts for kids

Assertiveness is about being confident and speaking up for yourself without being mean or pushy. It's a way to share your thoughts and feelings clearly, while still respecting others. In psychology, assertiveness is seen as a skill you can learn and improve.

Being assertive means you can stand up for your ideas and correct wrong information. Assertive people are good at looking at facts and finding what's missing or incorrect. This skill helps you think creatively and talk to others more effectively.

How much assertiveness people show can depend on their community and culture. These things can change over time and differ from one place to another.

In the last part of the 1900s, many experts started teaching assertiveness as an important life skill. It's often connected to how much you believe in yourself, also known as self-esteem. Books like Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behavior helped make the idea of assertiveness popular.

Learning Assertiveness Skills

Assertiveness training helps people learn how to be more assertive. Early on, a psychologist named Joseph Wolpe thought that being assertive could help reduce feeling anxious. He believed you couldn't be both assertive and anxious at the same time.

The main goals of learning assertiveness are:

• Understanding your own rights.
• Knowing the difference between not being assertive and being assertive.
• Learning the difference between being passive-aggressive and truly aggressive.
• Practicing assertive skills, both with words and body language.

Assertiveness is a way of communicating that is different from being aggressive or being too passive. It's about how people handle their personal boundaries and respect those of others.

• Passive communicators often avoid conflict. They might not defend their own ideas or boundaries. This can lead to others taking advantage of them. They might also keep negative feelings inside.
• Aggressive communicators don't respect other people's boundaries. They might try to control others by being mean or embarrassing them.
• Assertive communicators clearly state their thoughts and feelings. They do this in a way that respects others and avoids arguments. Assertive people are also ready to defend themselves against aggressive behavior.

How Assertive Communication Works

Assertive communication means you respect your own boundaries and the boundaries of others. It also means you want to work together to meet everyone's needs and wishes.

Experts say that assertive communication is a balanced way to express yourself. It's between being too passive (not speaking up) and too aggressive (being mean). This type of communication focuses on sharing your feelings directly, but in a way that doesn't lead to a fight.

If someone's actions bother you or cross your boundaries, assertive communication helps you say so. This can stop problems from getting bigger.

In contrast, aggressive communication involves judging, threatening, or lying. It breaks trust and ignores other people's boundaries.

On the other hand, passive communication means you let others ignore your boundaries. Later, you might feel angry or upset because you didn't speak up.

Assertive communication tries to find a solution that works for everyone. It focuses on the problem, not on blaming the person. Aggressive or passive communication can harm relationships and make you feel worse about yourself.

Qualities of Assertive People

People who are assertive often have these qualities:

• They feel comfortable sharing their feelings, thoughts, and wishes.
• They can start and keep good relationships with others.
• They know what their rights are.
• They can control their anger. This doesn't mean they hide their anger. It means they talk about it calmly and reasonably.
• Assertive people are willing to find a middle ground with others. They don't always demand their own way. They also tend to have good self-esteem.

Assertiveness Techniques

There are different ways to practice assertiveness. Here are a few common techniques:

Broken Record

The "broken record" technique means you calmly repeat your request or refusal. You keep saying it each time someone tries to argue or resist. It's like a scratched vinyl record that plays the same part over and over. The key is to repeat your point without getting angry or changing your mind.

One challenge with this technique is that if you repeat yourself too much, your words might lose their power. Sometimes, you might need to have a plan for what you'll do if the other person still doesn't listen.

Fogging

Fogging is when you agree with a small part of what someone critical is saying. You might agree in part or agree with the general idea, even if you don't agree with everything. This can help calm down an argument.

Negative Inquiry

Negative inquiry means you ask for more specific details when someone criticizes you. You ask them to explain what they mean. This helps you understand their point better.

Negative Assertion

Negative assertion is when you agree with a criticism about yourself, but you don't give up your demand or right. You accept the criticism without letting it stop you.

I-statements

I-statements are a way to share your feelings and wishes from your own point of view. You say "I feel..." or "I want..." instead of blaming the other person. For example, "I feel frustrated when..." instead of "You make me frustrated."

Using Assertiveness

Assertiveness skills can be helpful in many parts of life. For example, learning assertiveness can help people make better choices.

Assertiveness is also discussed in relation to how boys and girls communicate. Some experts suggest that girls can benefit from learning to be more assertive, just as boys might benefit from learning to be more sensitive to others' feelings.

Assertiveness is also important for people who speak a minoritized language. It helps them feel confident using their language, even when others might expect them to switch to a more common language. For example, the "Mantinc el català" movement encourages Catalan speakers to confidently use their language in conversations.

Challenges with Assertiveness

Sometimes, people who are new to assertiveness might go too far. What is assertive in one situation might not be in another. While not being assertive can cause problems, being too assertive can also create issues. People trying to be assertive for the first time might accidentally become aggressive.

In the past, some assertiveness training was misunderstood. People were told to do things that were not very nice, like repeating a request over and over until they got their way. When assertiveness techniques are used without respecting others' rights, they can become tools for being pushy or controlling. The line between repeating a request and being nagging or bullying can be thin. Some people wrongly thought assertiveness training was about getting your own way no matter what, or becoming as aggressive as others.

See also

In Spanish: Asertividad para niños

• Persuasive writing