Couples therapy facts for kids

Couples therapy, also known as couples counseling or marriage counseling, is a type of talk therapy. It helps people in a romantic relationship work through their problems and make their relationship stronger. Think of it as a guide for partners to understand each other better and solve disagreements.

How Couples Therapy Started

Couples counseling began in Germany in the 1920s. In the United States, the first places for marriage counseling opened in the 1930s.

For a long time, people usually got relationship advice from close friends, family, or religious leaders. It wasn't until the 1950s that therapists started to look at how family life affects psychological problems. This means professional relationship counseling is a fairly new idea.

Today, as societies change, more people are seeking help from trained and certified relationship counselors. Sometimes, volunteers are also trained by governments or social groups to help families and couples. Many communities and universities offer these services. Some large companies even have counselors to help employees with personal difficulties that might affect their work.

There's a growing trend for these services to be officially certified and registered by the government. This helps make sure counselors are professional and trustworthy.

Why Couples Seek Help

Many couples face challenges in their relationships. Issues with showing affection, communicating, and handling disagreements are common reasons why couples seek help.

Before a counselor can help, it's important to remember that every person is unique. Each person has their own personality, way of seeing things, opinions, values, and life story. These differences can sometimes lead to misunderstandings.

Relationships can also be affected by outside factors. These include a person's social group, religious beliefs, or even their financial situation and health.

Most relationships will go through tough times. This can lead to negative patterns of interaction. These patterns might be caused by things like jealousy, anger, or simply not communicating well. It's important to remember that problems in a relationship usually involve both people. Both partners play a part in causing issues and in solving them.

A key goal of couples therapy is to help partners change how they see and react to situations. It helps them understand their own "love map" – their ideas and feelings about the relationship. By exploring these ideas, partners can understand and respect each other's core values. This means each person takes responsibility for their part in the problem and works to change their thoughts and feelings.

The next step is to make conscious changes in how partners interact. Then, they check over time to see if these changes are working.

How Couples Therapy Works

Two main methods in couples therapy focus on communication. One common method is called active listening. This helps couples learn to talk and listen in a way that makes both partners feel safe to express their feelings.

Another method is called "Cinematic Immersion." This method suggests that people naturally react defensively to criticism. So, it trains the listener to interpret what might feel like criticism as a form of love instead. This helps the listener not feel overwhelmed.

However, some research suggests that healthy couples don't always use active listening naturally. Instead, they just talk about what they think and feel, even if they get angry or sad.

Another important approach is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This therapy is based on attachment theory. It uses emotions to help couples change. It helps partners understand how their past emotions affect their current interactions. EFT aims to help couples create new, positive emotional connections and build a stronger, more secure bond.

Research on Therapy

One of the most studied types of couples therapy is behavioral couples therapy. This approach has been shown to be very effective for couples facing difficulties. A newer version, called integrative behavioral couples therapy, seems to help even more couples.

Research has shown that this therapy can improve relationships for many couples. After five years, nearly half of the couples who received this therapy showed improvement or fully recovered their happiness.

A review in 2018 found that couples therapy is about as effective as individual therapy for treating depression.

What a Relationship Counselor Does

Relationship counselors or couples therapists are trained professionals. They might be psychologists, social workers, or other mental health experts. Their job is to listen, respect, and understand the couple. They help partners communicate better and function more effectively together.

Here are some basic things a counselor does:

• Provides a private space for talking, where feelings are understood and accepted.
• Helps each person speak and hear themselves clearly.
• Acts like a mirror, showing the couple their difficulties and the ways they can change.
• Helps the couple take control of their relationship and make important decisions.
• Gives helpful and correct information.
• Helps change how partners see their relationship.
• Works to improve communication between partners.
• Helps the couple set clear goals for their relationship.

For couples therapists, additional principles include:

• Identifying negative patterns of interaction that keep repeating.
• Understanding where strong emotional reactions come from.
• Helping partners change and reorganize their key emotional responses.
• Guiding partners to new, more positive ways of interacting.
• Creating new, positive emotional experiences that bond partners.
• Helping partners feel more securely connected to each other.
• Working to keep a strong sense of closeness in the relationship.

Common principles for all relationship counseling include:

• Respect
• Empathy (understanding others' feelings)
• Tact (being sensitive in what you say)
• Consent (agreement)
• Confidentiality (keeping things private)
• Accountability (taking responsibility)
• Expertise (having special knowledge)
• Evidence based (using methods proven to work)
• Certification and ongoing training

The counselor or therapist listens to the couple's story. They wisely interrupt when needed and help calm conflicts. They also help the couple find practical solutions. Sometimes, the therapist might meet with each person individually at first, but only if both partners agree and it's helpful for the relationship. The counselor encourages partners to try their best to improve their relationship. One challenge is for each person to change their own reactions to their partner's behavior. Another challenge can be sharing difficult or secret events. It takes time, patience, and commitment to fix a relationship.

New Ideas in Therapy

Some new ideas in couples therapy involve using insights from brain science and certain medications. For example, there's been interest in using a "love hormone" called oxytocin during therapy sessions. However, this is still experimental and can be controversial. Some research suggests oxytocin might increase all social emotions, not just positive ones.

Popular Ways to Get Help

While professional guidance is usually best, many self-help books and online resources are available. These can be found as e-books, blog articles, or website content. The main challenge with self-help methods is that people might misinterpret things or misdiagnose their own problems.

Using modern technology like video calls (VoIP conferencing) to talk with therapists is also becoming popular. This makes therapy more accessible and removes geographic barriers. However, some people might have concerns about privacy or feel less comfortable than in-person meetings.

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