Resentment facts for kids

Facial expressions of bitterness

Resentment is a strong, difficult feeling. It's like a mix of being disappointed, feeling disgusted, and being angry. Some experts say it's a mood or a feeling that comes after you've been insulted or hurt.

When you feel resentment, you often think something unfair has happened. This can be a small unfairness or a very big one. It's a way your mind tries to protect itself from unfair situations, like in friendships or when things don't go your way.

The word "resentment" comes from an old French word, ressentir. This means "to feel again." In English, it's often used like being angry, feeling spiteful, or holding a grudge against someone.

What Causes Resentment?

Resentment can start for many reasons. It often happens when someone feels they have been treated badly or unfairly. This feeling can be sparked by things that make you feel like justice wasn't served or that you were humiliated.

Common ways people start to feel resentment include:

• Being treated badly in public without saying anything.
• Feeling like you are often discriminated against or judged unfairly.
• Feeling envious or jealous of someone else.
• Feeling used or taken advantage of by others.
• When your hard work isn't noticed, but others succeed easily.

Resentment can also grow from how people interact with each other. For example, if someone rejects you emotionally, purposely embarrasses you, or puts you down.

Sometimes, resentment can stay with you if you keep thinking about past hurtful experiences. It can also be kept alive by trying to find reasons to justify why you feel that way. This means resentment can come from sadness or grief, and it can last a long time if you keep thinking about it.

How Does Resentment Work?

Resentment can have both helpful and unhelpful sides.

One idea is that what we resent shows what we care about. It can show what we expect from others. It might also show what we think we deserve. If someone didn't have values or care about themselves or others, they probably wouldn't feel resentment.

Resentment can also act as a warning. It can help you avoid similar harmful or unfair situations in the future. In this way, it helps you look to the future.

However, resentment can also be unhealthy. It might show up as angry feelings where you want to get back at someone. You might imagine putting someone down or getting revenge for something they did. If resentment lasts for days, weeks, or even years, or if you hold onto too many resentments, it can be harmful. It can use up your energy, cause stress, and take away positive feelings.

How Resentment Shows Up

A pinched and bitter facial expression

Unlike some emotions, resentment doesn't have clear body signs that always show when someone is feeling it. But you might see signs of anger or envy, like a furrowed brow or clenched teeth.

You might be able to tell if you're feeling resentment by noticing certain things. For example, you might need to control your emotions a lot. You might pretend to be happy around someone when you're not. Or you might speak to or about them in a sarcastic or mean way.

Resentment can also show up as feeling restless or down. You might feel sad or hopeless for no clear reason. You could also get angry suddenly. Sometimes, people have bad dreams or disturbing daydreams about the person they resent.

What Resentment Feels Like Inside

Resentment often feels strongest when it's directed at someone you are close to, like a friend or family member. If a friend or loved one hurts you and causes you to feel resentful, it can also make you feel betrayed. These feelings can have a very deep impact.

Having resentment can lead to many negative things for the person feeling it. You might feel touchy or on edge when you think about the person you resent. You might deny that you are angry or hate this person. You could also get easily provoked or angry if that person is seen in a positive light.

Long-term effects of resentment can include:

• Developing a hostile, cynical, or sarcastic attitude. This can make it hard to have healthy relationships.
• Difficulty growing as a person emotionally.
• Trouble sharing your true feelings with others.
• Difficulty trusting other people.
• Losing confidence in yourself.
• Trying too hard to make up for feelings of inadequacy.

If you hold onto too much resentment for a long time, it can even affect your body. It might cause muscle tension, leading to chronic aches and pains. Long-lasting resentment can also weaken your immune system. It can increase your risk of heart problems, stroke, and depression. It might even shorten your life span.

Dealing with Resentment

Resentment can often lead to a difficult cycle. When you feel resentful, it can stop you from talking openly with the person who you feel wronged you. This can lead to more misunderstandings and even more resentment in the future. Because of these problems, it's important to deal with resentful feelings. Resentment can make it hard to have fair and good relationships with others.

Resentment and spite are different in how they are shown. Resentment is mostly kept inside. It can cause more emotional and mental harm to the person feeling it. But it doesn't usually affect the person who is resented very much. Spite, however, is always shown outwardly. It involves taking revengeful actions against someone you feel has wronged you. Spiteful actions can sometimes come from resentful feelings.

A psychologist named James J. Messina suggests five steps to help with resentment:

• 1. Figure out why you feel resentful. What did the person do to make you feel this way?
• 2. Think about your past, present, and future in a new way. How has resentment affected your life? How can letting go of it make your future better?
• 3. Write a letter to the person you resent. List what they did and explain how it made you feel. Then, forgive them and let go of those feelings. (But don't send the letter!)
• 4. Imagine a future where you are free from the negative impact of resentment.
• 5. If you still feel resentful, go back to step 1 and start again.

Sometimes, a condition called Post-traumatic embitterment disorder has been linked to strong resentment.

Resentment and Anger: What's the Difference?

Some experts see resentment, anger, and contempt as being on a similar scale. They suggest that resentment is anger directed at someone you see as having higher status than you. Anger is directed at someone you see as your equal. Contempt is anger directed at someone you see as having lower status.

Another way to think about it is that anger is like a fire-extinguisher. It's meant to put out immediate harmful situations. Resentment is more like a smoke alarm. It's always "on" and needs energy to keep working. It's meant to protect you in case someone or something from a past hurtful experience shows up again.

Anger usually leads to aggressive behavior to deal with a threat. Resentment happens after the hurt has already happened. It's not usually shown as aggressively or openly.

Also, anger is often about a specific situation right now. It usually gets less intense when the problem goes away. Resentment, however, is rarely about just one specific thing. Even if the situation changes or the person is no longer around, resentment can still be there. It's a way to mentally punish yourself or the person you remember hurting you.

Resentment and Conviction

When you act because of resentment, you are usually acting against something. For example, you might act against unfairness, injustice, or abuse. These are things that threaten your values or well-being.

But when you act because of conviction, you are acting for something. This could be for justice, for your own well-being, or for the well-being of others. It means acting for values you believe are important.

This difference is important. Acting for your deeper values leads to actions that match what you believe is right. But acting against things you don't like doesn't always lead to actions that match your deeper values. For example, seeking revenge might not align with your values. Thinking about why you are doing something can help you tell the difference. If your answer shows your deeper values, it's conviction. If it involves putting someone or something down, it might be resentment.

Philosophical Ideas About Resentment

• The philosopher Max Scheler thought resentment came from feeling weak and helpless.
• Another philosopher, Nietzsche, saw resentment as a less noble emotion. He believed it was behind some romantic ideas, suggesting it was linked to a desire for revenge.
• Robert C. Solomon wrote a lot about resentment. He described it as a way people hold onto their self-respect, even when they are feeling their lowest.

Stories and Examples

• The writer Norman Douglas once said he borrowed money, like D. H. Lawrence. But Douglas could hide his "primary reaction: resentfulness." He meant that people don't like being treated like they are less important, and that makes them resentful.
• The sociologist Zygmunt Bauman talked about resentment. He said that both Nietzsche and Scheler believed resentment was a big problem for "loving others as yourself."

See also

In Spanish: Resentimiento para niños